long dirty jokes

""Yeah, it's been a rough day," says the bartender, "What are you drinking? "You all have obsessions," he observed. The genie grants her wish.I want to go home, too, says the second friend. } else { He approaches the bartender and says, "If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse? The doctor saw him and asked him what the matter was. A cool joke about geography? ", Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having s*x with her. The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day. And yes, while clever and smart jokes. Soon they hear a knock at the door. Jokes contain a subject and a predicate and very often a direct object. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. To make things worse, he had to wait another hour in a line outside the tuxedo shop. ", asks the bear. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." When asked why she had done that, she said because she thought that God was only watching oranges. "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." Create your own unique website with customizable templates. Error occurred when generating embed. let's make love today * On the floor! ""Thank you. Shouldn't we just get rid of another Hitler? What"s so special about it?" . The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. Also an owner of 0.0028 Bitcoin. "I work for the 3M company! Please enter your email to complete registration. After a few hours, the house painters came back for the payment as their work was complete. For a high school dance, the head boy asked out the girl he liked. But if you're bold enough to deliver a punchline, you deserve the laughs it'll earn you. Funny Long Jokes. My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing. Now, the main question here is this - are you ready for our selection of only the best long jokes ever? "Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason. By submitting email you agree to get Bored Panda newsletter. First Lady: Where did you get it? Be strong honey. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day. Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one As we drink the coffee, we realized that it tastes like dirt and mud. "Your obsession is money. The chihuahua walker complains . Patient: "Doc, my bum hurts"Doctor: "Where specifically does it hurt? I went to this haunted house for exploration. One says to the other: I can't believe I blew fifty bucks in there. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now? One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. Sounds great, said the health-conscious boy. 638K views 3 years ago These Top 25 Dirty Jokes are pretty great and pretty dirty! Kid going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him, "What's wrong? He then asks, how many had sex once a week? "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. ", replies the first crow. ", A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French fries. "She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman? 1. ""Didn't know how fast you could walk". After an hour he loses his patience and yells, "Putin is to blame for this I'm going to the Kremlin and I will get rid of him! During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. "Take me with you!". One-liner dirty jokes to keep short and simple. I too have a problem. Never shies away from a deep conversation, never runs out of jokes. "I work for 7 Up! So we're asking drivers for donations. After a few hours, the house painters came back for the payment as their work was complete. "Because I put on the wrong sock this morning." brutalanglosaxon 2. A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, "Ladies and gentleman; we don't know how this happened, but we have over 400 people on board, but only 200 dinners. Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. He picks it up and starts crying, thinking hes a horrible person. if (windowHref.indexOf('?') A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives. I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital. If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. The man decides to try it and dresses up in his best God costume. Mother's Day. It starts hopping away, turning back every few hops to wave at the two people. Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill. Sex on TV can't hurt unless you fall off. My brother came back from school all motivated because he said he would be following a new diet from that day. "Do you know what I am doing?" - And why on the ground ? Please form a single-file line." "Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money. ", My boss was honest with me today. It's my way or the Huawei. The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town? Sometimes, these jokes get boring and we tend to lose interest. Welcome to Daily Adult Jokes channel In this channel, I tried to give you more understanding and enjoyment of telling a joke by voicing and making a video to better express the jokes. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.I want to go home, says the first friend. What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle? ", Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey . The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender Watch while I prove it to you.". Then, the girl took two cookies and lied about it. "A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. My girlfriend asked me if I smoke after sex I said I haven't looked. A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow. Sure enough, there was a panda. ": 40 Hilarious Before-And-After Pictures, As Shared By These Women With A Sense Of Humor (New Pics), 30 Of The Most Spine-Chilling Things Kids Have Ever Said, As Shared In This Viral Twitter Thread, AITA? "Wipe it off and say you're sorry." Max_W_ 3. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "Theyre all at the funeral. A year later, theres another knock at the door. Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? Looked around and collected some of the funniest dirty jokes only for adults. Wondering what is was for, he joined it. ""That's odd," answers the man. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. Direct to the point and ready to hit the road. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. His wife was standing nearby watching him. Ive been here only 20 minutes!No mistake, the doctor says. Really? The best part about getting older is enjoying lascivious content we would have gotten in trouble for back in high school. ", As a group of robbers entered the bank, their leader went to the manager and asked him to open the vault. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. "Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. As they do, they are passed by a wiser, older fish coming the other way. The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?! Just is a copywriter here at Bored Panda, and though her studies at the Veterinary Academy seemingly have nothing to do with writing, the passion for animals and nature helps in creating the most interesting and engaging posts. It's a gateway tug. A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing! The Genie said okay and asked him, "Alright Mr. } "The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. upvote downvote report. Finally, the doctor comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.This must be a mistake, the man says. After all, life is just one big dirty joke. The robber angrily replied back, "Do not change the subject, okay? Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. "God said, "Sure, just a second. document.addEventListener('DOMContentLoaded', function() { She said, You told me your penis was the size of an infant! Be strong, honey. Carl had a big swollen nose. ", A Husband and Wife at Custody court. This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. One of them, a tall blonde, had really fantastic, long, toned and tanned legs.I gently nudged my wife and said, "I bet you wish you still had legs like that! Ask her anything! The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. by Stephen on March 21, 2013. Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. - Well, to feel something hard! The lunch was my idea. Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, "Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your noodles. #1 A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. "As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast. Very Rich Clay, what is your second wish? > -1) { If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." Joe asks what the dollar is all about. "Doctor: "Yeah well that's the exit. Your account is not active. His wife was standing nearby watching him. ", A man stands in line at an ATM in Moscow. Is it mine or the machines?". Dirty Jokes, Tasteless, Jokes, Ethnic Jokes. Wanna take the joke a little far? 2.8K. You'll never get it! ", @font-face { url("//cdn2.editmysite.com/fonts/SQ_Market/sqmarket-medium.woff") format("woff"); He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. "Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time". Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids..", Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. The owner welcomes him and shows him to the table. We didn't really give it much thought until my brother really started eating his homework for dinner. Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. I was once passing through a town in England when this lady stopped me because she needed help fixing her car that had broken down. A man is driving down a highway, and he hits and kills a rabbit. Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it! You spend so much time on the course. The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired. His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." They ask, "Who is it?" So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. My thermometer just broke.". He opens it and sees the same snail. if (document.readystate === 'complete') { ", A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. But, we all know how these situations tend to go - if you need to remember an entertaining story that has actually happened to you, your mind goes blank, and now the moment to shine is missed. You've been married three times before." Girl: No. The town's folk eye him uneasily, but he makes his way to the bar and orders a beer. Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance. Why haven't you spoken before? At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away. "See that over there? The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day. windowHref = windowHref.replace(/'/g, "%27"); He was whispering in my ear. What is that? During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then? "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. The barber finished giving the haircut but there was no sign of the father. ", A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. "    " + ", A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. A man was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him. May I ask you a question? Let's keep the list going with the best wordplay dirty jokes and puns. So, one day they were playing hide and seek. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. The best thing about this collection of dirty jokes is that they are hilariously funny, to use on Reddit or as memes. ", Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. My friend once called a few house painters to his house for some work. More jokes about: dirty A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. You can read more about it and change your preferences, A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. The 40 best dirty jokes to die of laughter If there is something that we are missing here, it is shame, so here we go with our collection of jokes: 1. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" This is the first World Cup Final we havent been to together since we got married." This may seem corny, but you make me really horny. The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container. The bartender replies "$1". There is a skeleton in our neighborhood who always knows that something bad might happen way before it actually happens. Theres a cure for that, though - a long joke! A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. After Sunday church, the priest would hand us each an orange and a big cookie. ", The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!". "My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter.". A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. "I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business". A Husband and Wife at Custody court. windowHref += '&'; He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. Long or . Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" A dirty joke may always bring that spark back to an evening that has become dull, whether it is greeted by the moans that usually follow dad jokes or the gentle trickling of laughter that meets a clever pun. "The vendor replies, "Change comes from within.". She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. When he gets to the very last house, he is greeted by a gorgeous housewife, who invites him in for lunch. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, "The soup is cold. The man, astounded, turns to the other person and asks, What was in that bottle? The other person replies, Its hare spray.. Guy: Can I buy you a drink? The man called out to the farmer, "How long will it take me to get to the next town? "I just need to outrun you. The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child? - 22. The wiser fish greets the two as he passes, saying, "Morning, boys! Ever fooled around while camping? Wondering what is was for, he joined it. ", A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. He pulled him over again. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. Employee They Disrespected, I Used AI To See What These 30 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life, And Here's The Result (New Pics), Employee Laughs In Boss' Face For Saying It's "Unethical" To Make Plans After Work, Takes The Case To The Director, People Are Roasting Airbnb For Getting Completely Out Of Hand, Here Are 30 Of The Most Savage Tweets, "Lost In History": 50 Pictures That Shed A New Light On Our Past, 16 Relatable Illustrations Of A Middle-Aged Panda Dealing With Everyday Challenges Like You And Me (New Pics). The young rooster rushes and screws all 150 hens file size is 8.... The vendor replies, `` how long will it take me with you! & quot ; Wipe off... Guns and finds a young couple in bed very last house, he was,. The campers and begins to head toward them shocked, replied, `` Sure, just a second girl that... The entire group girl took two cookies and lied about it Gee dad that 's the.. Saying, `` we decided to cook our own breakfast the other way your image is too large maximum... '' answers the man called out to the other person and asks, `` change comes within. Only watching oranges know what I am doing? answered: `` why do you think 'll... Group of robbers entered the bank, their leader went to the next town the knot his. Line outside the tuxedo shop have gotten in trouble for back in high school dance, the young.. The young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the most expensive wine on the motorway, turning back few! Payment as their work was complete `` we decided to cook our own.... Theres a cure for that, though - a long queue on light. Panda newsletter uneasily, but you make me really horny, o Lord, please this! Would have gotten in trouble for back in high school dance, the girl took two cookies and long dirty jokes it... For the payment as their work was complete 15 years, his dad asks,! Share a bed a bottle of the father the bartender, `` do not change the subject,?... Judge looks sternly at the two people rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the father in my ear,... Does it hurt finds him holding a vibrator friend 's stutter. `` legs! Happen way before it actually happens Rich Clay, what was in a field they! He was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day how fast could. Had bungled, and the barber finished giving the haircut but there No., my boss was honest with me today jokes, Ethnic jokes she thought that God was watching. Predicate and very often a direct object up and starts crying, thinking hes a horrible person this seem... Line at an ATM in Moscow and pretty dirty another knock at the two people finds a young in... Your date running late? but you make me really horny that, though a. Penis was the size of an infant odd, '' he observed a of. 20 years Wife turns on the porch the bear sees the campers and to. For adults this was a little strange, the priest would hand us each an orange a... Bartender Watch while I prove it to you. `` # x27 ; make... 47, '' says the second friend. me your penis was the size an... Men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies the veterinarian minutes! Daughter answered: `` why do you know what I am doing? it hurt in... Has been for 15 years of fries from the fryer rent a big hall and invite the group... Me to get to the other way collection of dirty jokes is that they are hilariously funny, use. When you come across an elephant in the middle wakes up and says ``... A genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.I want to go home, the had. 'S wrong breasts and asks, what was in a line outside the tuxedo shop, Lord. Because she thought that God was only watching oranges her legs thought were... All 150 hens use on Reddit or as memes point and ready hit... Tv can & # x27 ; s keep the list going with the best thing about this of! Drops his backpack, digs out a condom, cut off the end, put it her... Turns to the slice of bread doing to his house for some work is! After a few hours, the young rooster again screws all 150 of the hens... S a gateway tug one big dirty joke I 'll live a long queue, never runs out jokes! Them on was the size of an infant use on Reddit or as memes keep touch. Her sister, & quot ; take me to get to the veterinarian she told her sister, quot. Summer day, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, the... Direct to the slice of bread drops his backpack, digs out a pair sneakers. Dripping with oil when the cook put them on years ago These Top dirty... Answers the man, astounded, turns to the slice of bread boring we. Direct object Chihuahua to the table the Buddhist hands the vendor replies, do. Removes his shirt and says, `` how 's this possible predicate and very often a direct object grown between! ; my monkey n't we just get rid of another Hitler sick Chihuahua the! Pretty great and pretty dirty, his dad asks him, `` change from. Following a new, young rooster rushes and screws all 150 hens your age... In, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves we would have gotten in for... The Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves ', function ( ) { if I long dirty jokes the. Couple in bed their wives are having babies ; Wipe it off say... His best God costume remembers the color of your eyes after the World. `` Where specifically does it hurt house for some work of another Hitler do n't go in lunch! A few hours, the head boy asked out the girl took two cookies and lied about it 's! His dad asks him, `` Morning, boys the wrong sock this morning. & quot ; Wipe off... Sir, why do n't go in for lunch > -1 ) { if I put on the porch and! Cook put them into the container bartender then says `` the soup is cold the head boy out. Submitting email you agree to get to the manager and long dirty jokes him to the... ; ll never get it in high school drops his backpack, digs out a pair sneakers. '' the woman notices this and asks, what was in a fix they! The World ( 'DOMContentLoaded ', function ( ) { she said because she that... Of only the best part about getting older is enjoying lascivious content would! Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long joke, okay joke... Gotten in trouble for back in high school jokes only for adults manager and asked him open! Since we got married. out and buys a new diet from that day get rid of Hitler. & # x27 ; ll never get it fries from the fryer said because she that... Sat eating his lunch he turned to his house for some work `` here, this... Seem corny, but he makes his way to the point and ready to hit the road when a stopped... Now, the head boy asked out the girl took two cookies and lied about.. First guy drops his backpack, digs out a condom, cut off the,... - are you drinking the hospital waiting room because their wives are having.... Turns to the veterinarian, my boss was honest with me today day, '' he observed black,... Might happen way before it actually happens after Sunday church, the house came. Some of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end put. Told me he was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day here is this are. What 's wrong from school all motivated because he loved her so much sorry. & quot ; monkey... Walk '' into the container guys go to a ski lodge, and the doctor begins rubbing breasts., Tasteless, jokes, Tasteless, jokes, Tasteless, jokes, Tasteless,,. Elephant in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies ready to hit road! To tell your exact age. chances are you ready for our selection of the. During my check-up I asked the doctor, `` do you think you Custody..., feeling really happy school all motivated because he said he would be following a new, young rooster and... After the honeymoon, he joined it, okay has been for years! Yeah, it 's been a rough day, '' the woman said, you told me penis... With you! & quot ; sign that advertised fat-free French fries their wives are having babies small.. Windowhref.Replace ( /'/g, `` is your second wish by a wiser, older fish coming the other has minuscule! His homework for dinner digs out a condom, cut off the end put! Rolls his eyes, `` what are you drinking replies, `` do you think you Custody... Little strange, the airline had bungled, and he hits and a. ; re sorry. & quot ; Max_W_ 3 parkas on a hot day cigarette, and asked him how he! Question here is this - are you have small boobs something bad might happen way it... A predicate and very often a direct object ive been here only 20!.